Hachiko at night

Still on the topic of books, Ms. Frangipani had a quick chat where I recommended Finite and Infinite Games, and she recommended the Inland Sea by Donald Richie. We both had the books with us, so we swapped for a moment. Maybe it was the atmosphere that made the pages I read seem so significant - huddled in our warm jackets outside the tiny Ni-chome bar, sitting under the awning in the pouring rain, second beer into BeerBlast, and I’m having a quick read! The writer asked a great question; instead of “How do I like this place?” he suggested “How do I like who I am when I’m here?”

Mmmm, there were a few things I didn’t like about who I was while I was in Tokyo.

Hayfever + the weather + my attitude to the crowds = x, and soon x is starting to have an impact on how I deal with people I like and how much energy I have… And the timing wasn’t good either. It was based on the Faraway Boy’s holidays, I would have preferred to be there after MJ had her baby, or in conjunction with a camping trip or hanami or a festival…

I didn’t like the way I slipped back into grumpiness in all the press and push of the crowds. I hated all the commercialism and the way it squeezes out everything else around it, and yet I did little but go shopping. Oh, and take photos (but so few that I like, and many I missed because of the rain). Attitudes I used to wear, conditioned responses built up over a long period of time took me over and surprised me, because it had been so long since I had felt that way. Most of this happened in train stations, or at least it was most noticeable in train stations, but I started wondering about how much of my attitude to my environment is a conditioned response? Of course, if I learned to behave this way then I can surely learn to behave differently, but I never noticed it before! So now I’m wondering about what my conditioned responses are here. Do I automatically brighten and perk up when I get on my bike and head for the markets? In all the press and noise of the Central Markets I certainly don’t experience the same frustration I feel in Shinjuku train station. Nor do I feel murderous in the Mall on rainy days, not the way I do in Shibuya…

While I was there I trod mostly familiar paths, I think I was trying to experience as much natsukashii (nostalgia) as possible, trying to recreate who I was just before I left. It was quite a weird feeling. I loved seeing all of the friends I have missed so much over the last few years, those open-minded, adventurous people I have learned so much from, but I couldn’t wait to go home. Breaking up with the Faraway Boy contributed to the gloomy mood as it became clearer and clearer that our futures lie in different countries, different directions. Yeah, that didn’t help.

Initially I wrote here “I’ve never had a holiday like that before”, but now that I think about it, the truth is that I tried to recreate my old self each time I came back to Adelaide on holidays. I love that feeling of being in two places at once, two lives at once. I love the gap, the mental discord, the experience of chinks in the integrity of my personality. It’s such a weird experience. I keep repeating it.

No, it would be more accurate to say that I have never been on a holiday that I didn’t want to be on before. I was so glad to get home, and it was such a pleasure to discover how happy I am here. I am pretty sure that I will visit Japan again in the future, but I believe I will be much more of a tourist next time; far less interested in indulging in nostalgia and much more open to the new.

• alyssa (cuba) said on 08/04/22 at 05:08 AM.....

  Wow, that was a great post. Reminds me how much I miss you. And Tokyo, although I recognize a lot of what you say…
  I particularly like the question (title question) a lot, and it is how I decided on Steve - I think my mother asked “why him” and I answered that I like who I am when I am with him.  And that who I am has changed over the past 20 plus years that we’ve been together, but I still like me with him.

• arumanda said on 08/04/22 at 10:40 AM.....

  yes, i like that question too. i like me in japan and in australia. i’ve been told by my family that they’re different people, but i don’t feel so. just different parts of me are more accepted in each of the environments. i didn’t like me around particular people, and that is the major reason why i left.

  environment, conditioning - it has a lot to do with things. 

  LOVE that photo. very much enjoyed reading your thoughts. and am very glad to hear that you’re so happy to be home.

• j-ster (at the crossroads: clean, study, watch Northern Ex) said on 08/04/22 at 06:40 PM.....

  Alyssa back in Cuba? I thought you were.... elsewhere? Im confused!
  And as far as you two are concerned, aawww, you guys make me want to get married.

  Arumanda, and Alyssa, its interesting that you both relate the question back to people as well as place. Now i have more to think about.

  Miss you guys too, and that whole little lifetime we had.

• alyssa (cuba (still)) said on 08/04/23 at 12:31 AM.....

  That was a lifetime we had, really, wasn’t it.  I think the attempt to recreate it and not really have it work, and have the less attractive bits (that tend to fade with memory) show up as well, would be odd.  Something to do with expectations of a place, and of a place remaining static, and our memories not warping things.

  Yes, still in Cuba, for 11 more weeks or so, than back up north to the big iceberg…

• fiona said on 08/04/23 at 01:40 PM.....

  Last night I saw “Into the Wild” and recognised that I get to be that person lost in wild beauty regularly on field trips to remote places - such joy and “in the moment” feelings, and different each trip as I go to different places and experience some in different seasons or with other folk. The cultural contexts elicit various selves too. The main adventurer in the movie couldn’t also be “with” people and mainstream life, and I had renewed feelings of gratitude that I get to come home to love and connection, my home and garden, family and friends. There are lots of us adventurers, with the challenge of how to do that within whatever constraints. Thanks for the great blog exploring the inner bits of being elsewhere…

• j-ster (at work, nearly finished....) said on 08/04/23 at 03:52 PM.....

  Awww, thanks babe! You know you got me started on these kind of questions!

• MissSin (Tokyo) said on 08/05/08 at 12:20 PM.....

  Read your post & thought ‘wow’.
  Then read Alyssa’s comment and thought ‘wow’ again!
  Places & people do affect who we are so much - sometimes in a good way, sometimes bad way.
  I really don’t know how tokyo makes me - i’ve been here so long that i don’t know who i am outside of tokyo.
  But may be another perspective to add to the where & who, is the ‘what’.
  I like who i am when i am teaching & training. 
  I usually like who i am when i am stuck at my desk, but wouldn’t like to work with me in the mornings.