The Winter solstice was yesterday, and the shortest day of the year is now past. Even tho its still going to be cold for a while yet, the days will now start to get longer and longer, and gradually things will warm up and soon it will be Summer again! I know I shouldn’t live for Summer, and I’ve been good at keeping warm so far this Winter, but I really cant wait to get back out into the sun again!

Prisons.
We want them to have self-worth,
so we destroy their self-worth.
We want them to be responsible,
so we take away all responsibilities.
We want them to be positive and constructive,
so we degrade them and make them useless.
We want them to be non-violent,
so we put them where there is violence all around them.
We want them to be kind and loving people,
so we subject them to hatred and cruelty.
We want them to quit being the tough guy,
so we put them where the tough guy is respected.
We want them to quit hanging around losers,
so we put all the ‘losers’ under one roof.
We want them to quit exploiting us,
so we put them where they exploit each other.
We want them to take control of their lives, own their problems and quit being a ‘parasite’,
so we make them totally dependent on us.

This is a poem from an article I read recently. I forgot to include the writer’s name but will put it up when i find the article again. Its not quite how i would have phrased it, personally, but it covers all the bases pretty well.

When you put someone in prison what are they actually learning? What lesson does pain really teach - cos there is a lot more to prison than just ‘losing freedom’? Ive got to say, its a pretty blunt instrument… Sure in some cases pain and suffering does indeed teach some people ‘not to do it again’, but in many other cases it teaches people to be more careful about getting caught. And to what extend does it teach people the person with the most power wins, therefore you always need to be the one with the most power?

And when your time is served, are we really all square then? Does one person’s pain and suffering cancel out another person’s pain and suffering? Does the victim stop hurting in relation to the pain visited on the offender? And if we really are all square, then why is it so hard for someone who has served their time to get a job, or a house? And what kind of a life do you have when its really hard to get a job or a house?

Teach them a lesson so they don’t do it again. Isn’t that the objective? So then why is the recidivism rate so high? Here in South Australia 50% of prisoners are back in prison within 2 years, 80% are back within 5 years. Surely, if you were serious about teaching, and that was your failure rate, wouldn’t you look at your methods a little more closely?

Lets unpack it just a little: ‘teach them a lesson’: what does that mean? Does it mean the behaviour was wrong and you want to find some way of stopping the person from doing that again? And you think the fear of prison will do that? Well, it seems like in about 20% of the prisoner population, it works! But for the rest of that population, it doesnt work. And lets face it, that 80%, they go back to prison for (perhaps one of) two reasons: reasons related to not being able to find housing or work; they get caught for one of a number of crimes they committed after prison. Prison either had no impact on their ability to stop the behaviour, or it exacerbated the factors underlying the behaviour.

Im all for getting tough on crime, but im not sure what the Government means when it says ‘tough’. I think it would be great for offenders to learn some lessons that stop them from killing, hurting, bashing, attacking, stealing from, raping, defrauding, lying, endangering, drugging, bullying other people, its just that prison doesnt seem to be very effective at doing that. Whats more, a lot of that stuff seems to happen to people who are already in prison, so its ability to teach people not to do those things seems very compromised. How do you bully people into not bullying anymore? How do you bash the bashing out of them? What do people really learn when they go to prison? What do we want people who break the law to learn?

Of course I dont want people who rape or kill or use violence wandering around freely! But how does prison teach a person the empathy, the problem-solving skills, the respect for other people’s autonomy, the ability to calm down to the point where one can think about consequences, the sense of responsibility and the self-restraint/self-discipline necessary to prevent that abuse of power? Cos in the end, 99.9% of prisoners are released…

I think the Government pushes the “tough on crime” line hard and loud just so that we won’t think about possible alternatives along the lines of “effective on crime” or “reducing crime”, and so that we will get the impression that something is being done. Just like the ‘crims’ have discovered, its easy to be tough when you cant find ways of being effective.

Friday night: We are having a few logistical problems getting garage sailing sorted for the next morning. I havent been for a few weeks so im dying to go this week, but i dont have any way of getting to Dads place at 6.45am, (no, im not gonna ride there! Not quite that desperate!) and Dad has a house full of guests so I cant stay over like I usually do. Im about to give up, but then Dad phones me to say that our fellow sailor and driver Grant will come and pick me up at 6.35am, and i need to be out waiting on the other side of the road, out the front of my place. So that means i need to set the alarm for 6.20am.

So its Saturday morning and I’m fast asleep, dreaming quite vividly about being out in town, doing stuff with people near my house, and then suddenly the dream cuts to me standing outside my place, on the other side of the road. (Actually, i was just wondering, you know how when you watch tv or theatre, and some stuff happens and then the scene changes and new stuff is happening and somehow you know that certain things took place away from your eyes, that this new scene is a logical progression, you just skipped a few boring bits of the sequence? Well, does that happen in your dreams too? I reckon it does. Do we learn that from theatre/tv or do we use it in theatre/tv cos we dream that way? Anyway, back to the story....) Its cold and the sun is just beginning to rise, but i can see well enough. A car is coming towards me, Grants car! It does a U-turn at some speed and pulls up right in front of me. The driver - not Grant - leans over and winds the window down. He says “You have to wake up now.” And I do. Instantly. And immediately the alarm goes off.

I often wake up just before the alarm, especially when i intentionally decide to, but that was a bit freaky!

I opened my first $1000 term deposit today. Im gonna start putting them away. Now that the tokyo trip is all paid for, I’m gonna try and stash away $10 000 over the course of the rest of the year. This was one of my goals at the start of the year.

I feel so grown up!!!! 

Last Friday I co-facilitated my first restorative conference. It was extremely interesting, and very, very draining. It is quite a different experience to watching one.

My boss was with me, and I will start out by saying she thought I did a good job for a first go.
And now for the list of things I would like to have done differently:
- I wish I had summarised more. I kinda forgot at the start cos I was so focused on getting the beginning spiel right. And by the time I realised two people had spoken already and I hadn’t summarised it was kinda too late to to start, cos that would have looked like I was being biased. I had to summarise at different points for my own clarity, but I needed to do way more than I actually did. Im not to worried about that, that will come with time.
- I wish I had a better idea of how to steer. I knew there were directions I wanted/we needed to go in and yet I wasnt confident about steering around to them. I didnt know what gaps in the information needed to be explored and which could be safely left alone. I need better judgement and skill here.
- I could see that, at times, certain people were being focused on and kind of accused. I can understand that some participants perhaps didnt feel that one particular participant wasnt taking enough responsibility for what had happened. At the same time, all their words did was inspire defensiveness, and not the accountability that was hoped for. On the one hand I can see that you cant change a fundamental attitude of victimhood in one conference, and yet surely I could have encouraged more accountability?
- Which brings me to the issue of preparation. If I had prepared that person better, could they have accepted more accountability? And some participants said exactly the right thing in the prep but then glossed over some really important stuff in the conference. I could have coached the important aspects of their perspective better.
- I wish I had a better feel for following the threads up while they were there. When there is important stuff going on, I need to chase it up and go back to the process when it is finished. I need to know when to do that, and have the confidence to do it as well.
- In the conversation around outcomes one person got a surprise request and had to agree to save face. I could have followed that request up with some supports to make sure it sticks better in the future. That could even have been done afterwards during coffee break.
- I lost it at the end. I lost the plot entirely and lost the script as well. I need to prepare the ending spiel AS WELL AS the beginning spiel! And as my knowledge of what is possible in school contexts grows I will have a better idea of how to reframe vague descriptions of processes into more concrete processes that already exist. Yet another thing that will come in time.
- I had moments of indecision where I clearly wasnt sure whether I had enough to move on or I needed to stick around and ask a couple more questions. Everyone was very patient with me. Again, in time…

Sorry if this is a bit obscure, but i need to be able to write it down so I can remember it.

So I guess thats one small step for peacemaking, but one giant step for me!

My eyes hurt.

I go bed now. Oh, but i still havent checked .... what the hell, i will check it tomorrow.

Just one more site and then I will shut down the computer, just one more....

Agony!

I mean, sure, i can check email, the weather and ongoing events at Wombquake at work, but the rest of the internets has all been closed to me for too long! What is AAG up to now? What are the starlets of the world doing this week? And the Cheezburgers! I have days of giggles to look at all in one hit! What if its too much and i die ROFL? Lemme at it!!! My addiction is about to be fed again at last!

We had a week of rainy days, and during that week I noticed the front wheel of my bike started to make a funny noise. And a bit of a vibration. Hmmm, not cool. Im not willing to let my main mode of transport get out of order so I took it pretty promptly to the bike doctor. I suggested there might be a problem with the axel-thing-whatever-its-called, or maybe the hubs, whatever they are, maybe the rain had created a situation where some mud got flicked in there or something? Bike doctor dude looked at it for a few mins and then he says he thinks hes figured it out. We go out to the car park and sure enough the noise has stopped. The cause was not rain or mud: the reflector light had moved and was now vibrating against a spoke, making a bit of a noise.... He didn’t even charge me. How embarrassment.

I got these stupendously fab new shoes. Red ones, for work. Sooo cool, and very well padded and supported inside. The soles are quite thick. I noticed when I was driving the car in them (cos in the week… er, weeks since I bought them I havent really taken them off) that the car was all kinda chuggy and uneven and I figured that it must be due to my new shoes. You know, cos its a manual and there is a lot of foot action going on, and I was obviously just not quite feeling the pedals thru the soles or something. Whatever. And then the car died. Totally died. It was the alternator, not the new shoes.

Im just so not very good with all this mechanical stuff… and hooking the problems up to obvious changes in the environment seems not to work very well in the problem-solving department. 

For this long weekend, Mum is visiting and staying with me, and we are having a girly detox and luxury relaxation weekend. It has been lovely so far! We started yesterday after Mum finished work, she came over with all her stuff and we had a simple but yummy chunky vegetable soup. We went for a walk in the parklands after that and then came back for a pasta dinner, not exactly detox but hey, there is also a luxury component here too, don’t forget. We looked at the lolcats for a while and giggled until an earlish bedtime at 11pm. Then we got up at 8 this morning and had hot lemon water and fruit for brekkie, then off to Janesce on King William Rd for 1.5hr detox body wrap treatments, mmmmm, now that was nice! That was my birthday present, arent i spoilt!?!

I still smell all yummy! Despite feeling all warm, fragrant, relaxed and somewhat jelly-like, we headed into the Central Markets for brunch (hmmm, Zuma’s full on breakfast could hardly be considered a legitimate part of a vegetarian detox weekend, but we will just skim over that bit perhaps) and then did a bit of shopping for the rest of the weekend’s menu. This afternoon has been spent reading and talking, and dinner was grilled salmon and mixed grilled veg. Ive stayed away from the computer for most of the weekend, but finally got bored of reading tonight and here i am blogging instead.

Tomorrow will be yet another day of quiet and healthy - we will start off with the same brekkie, and lunch is salad.... and then Mum heads back home. We have a garage sale to plan and more quiet music and reading, maybe a walk perhaps… I love having a quiet weekend, but having Mum around to have one with is a special treat!

Hachiko at night

Still on the topic of books, Ms. Frangipani had a quick chat where I recommended Finite and Infinite Games, and she recommended the Inland Sea by Donald Richie. We both had the books with us, so we swapped for a moment. Maybe it was the atmosphere that made the pages I read seem so significant - huddled in our warm jackets outside the tiny Ni-chome bar, sitting under the awning in the pouring rain, second beer into BeerBlast, and I’m having a quick read! The writer asked a great question; instead of “How do I like this place?” he suggested “How do I like who I am when I’m here?”

Mmmm, there were a few things I didn’t like about who I was while I was in Tokyo.

Hayfever + the weather + my attitude to the crowds = x, and soon x is starting to have an impact on how I deal with people I like and how much energy I have… And the timing wasn’t good either. It was based on the Faraway Boy’s holidays, I would have preferred to be there after MJ had her baby, or in conjunction with a camping trip or hanami or a festival…

I didn’t like the way I slipped back into grumpiness in all the press and push of the crowds. I hated all the commercialism and the way it squeezes out everything else around it, and yet I did little but go shopping. Oh, and take photos (but so few that I like, and many I missed because of the rain). Attitudes I used to wear, conditioned responses built up over a long period of time took me over and surprised me, because it had been so long since I had felt that way. Most of this happened in train stations, or at least it was most noticeable in train stations, but I started wondering about how much of my attitude to my environment is a conditioned response? Of course, if I learned to behave this way then I can surely learn to behave differently, but I never noticed it before! So now I’m wondering about what my conditioned responses are here. Do I automatically brighten and perk up when I get on my bike and head for the markets? In all the press and noise of the Central Markets I certainly don’t experience the same frustration I feel in Shinjuku train station. Nor do I feel murderous in the Mall on rainy days, not the way I do in Shibuya…

While I was there I trod mostly familiar paths, I think I was trying to experience as much natsukashii (nostalgia) as possible, trying to recreate who I was just before I left. It was quite a weird feeling. I loved seeing all of the friends I have missed so much over the last few years, those open-minded, adventurous people I have learned so much from, but I couldn’t wait to go home. Breaking up with the Faraway Boy contributed to the gloomy mood as it became clearer and clearer that our futures lie in different countries, different directions. Yeah, that didn’t help.

Initially I wrote here “I’ve never had a holiday like that before”, but now that I think about it, the truth is that I tried to recreate my old self each time I came back to Adelaide on holidays. I love that feeling of being in two places at once, two lives at once. I love the gap, the mental discord, the experience of chinks in the integrity of my personality. It’s such a weird experience. I keep repeating it.

No, it would be more accurate to say that I have never been on a holiday that I didn’t want to be on before. I was so glad to get home, and it was such a pleasure to discover how happy I am here. I am pretty sure that I will visit Japan again in the future, but I believe I will be much more of a tourist next time; far less interested in indulging in nostalgia and much more open to the new.